rejected (epilogue)

Gokyo, a village in the Himalayas. The mountain in the background is Cholatse.

" He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. " | Lao Tzu, from The Tao Te Ching

The other morning I lay in bed, still wondering about all this. What floated up to the surface eventually was an awareness: I could've ended up like him - a pompous ass, as an online friend stated. I know I have a level of intelligence in me and I'm very keen and insightful, even if I may not be as lightning fast as he. I can't ever cover up any insecurities by acting holier-than-thou around other people and establishing some impossible standards for any kind of relationship. That's not my style.

Then my other online friend's pondering "Were you not good enough for him?" echoed in my head. I thought about how, for years, I had low self-esteem - insecurities, if you will - which had at times intensified to the point of depression and I had to take pills to re-adjust. It had to take yet another intense emotional shake-up for me to shatter that self-pity. But as I was delving into what happened between me and S during our phone chats and our date at The Getty, I was attempting to find a place for my low self-esteem. And that's when it hit me.

It wasn't low self-esteem on my part, not anymore. It was humility! It wasn't that I was questioning my potential worth in terms of what S demanded of me, it was actually that I, in what seemed like passivity, was allowing him the chance to reveal himself to me. Deep inside I knew I what was I worth, that I have so much to give and share. It was my humility that made me immune to the kind of damaging behaviour that S was exhibiting. It was my humility that kept me from being like him.

This made beautiful sense to me, to the point where tears welled up in my eyes, even now as I type this.