...as we are

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

- Anais Nin

If you knew me more intimately would you intimate yourself to me more? Are you better able to transmit your thoughts and dreams and desires and experiences to me when I'm an abstraction, as physical proximity might disturb such transmissions? Am I more valuable to you from a distance?

This is the contradiction of the internet. It's a Janus face. One side allows communication from different points in the world, bringing us closer and affording opportunities to connect that would otherwise be impossible. The other side is cruel. It exaggerates the geographical interstices, the chasm of hundreds or thousands of miles separating us, which only brings disparity. We can transmit to each other our secrets but it only reminds us how far apart we are that only electronic words can reach us - no facial expressions, no hugs, no touch, no breath, no sensation of warm skin, no aromas from our bodies, no voice, no sound of hearts thumping.

When we deny ourselves outings, experiences, people, various sensations - the heat from the sun, the coolness of the moon, the prickle of spicy peppers on our tongue, the vivacity of spoken gossip from a friend, the bracing sting of the first sip of an icy cold martini, the wind on our face as we drive along the coast - the only things we have to fall back on are thoughts, mind games, inventions - surrogates that further deny us truth, the truth of experiencing.

Our minds begin to fill in the blanks left by such denials of direct experiences. We start to create feelings and thoughts to replace what we hadn't acquired in the first place....in person. I wonder if this is because we were made to be experiential beings and without experiences we scramble to at least have something, anything, to grasp onto, even if they are false and invented and projected. Is it really better than nothing?

photo: Boden Sea, Uttwil, 1993. ©Hiroshi Sugimoto

So, such is my life at the moment. If I wanted to I could turn off this laptop and go out for a walk. I hadn't done much anything this year. I'm broke. I can't work because there are no jobs. I can't travel anywhere. All I can do is wait for things to get better so I can make my move. I'm like a monk in a tower; I have views but they're of things far away, people I can't meet in person, places unreachable to me.

I'm out of the market for romance. My life isn't set up for it, there's no accommodation, especially in this town. Even friendships are tricky to maintain. I have a couple of local friends but it's expensive to go to out with them. Online friendships are even harder. The more we reveal ourselves to each other the harder it gets because we'd rather reveal ourselves to each other in person.

I can never understand people who swear by love affairs online, that they love having a boyfriend/girlfriend who lives in Sydney or Tokyo or Prague and they instant message each other everyday. What the hell kind of love is that? It feels so.....detached. That's not love, that's torture. LOL! It's a relationship you can switch off and walk away from whenever you have disagreements. Like an appliance. How convenient. But you can't take it to bed and make love to it, dine out with it at the bistro, enjoy a lovely conversation with it over cocktails, or lay your head on it and listen to its heartbeat.

I have no one in my life. I accept that. It seems like it would hurt knowing that it's a byproduct of other technicalities I suffer through presently. But strangely enough it doesn't hurt. Maybe it's because I've grown numb, I don't know. What I do know is that my acceptance of it helps; it lessens the pain of loneliness. What would really hurt is if I didn't accept it but at the same time knew that there's nothing I could do about it, either, for as long as it lasts.

Another thing that lessens the pain is knowing that it probably won't be this way forever. Things have ebbed and flowed in my life before. Why should this be any different?

I am the dynamism of my experiences.

and this boy was happy

Back in art school years and years ago a close friend gave this illustrated children's book to me as a Christmas gift. As it happened, after we both received our Bachelor of Fine Art degree she and I slowly drifted out of touch. I kept the book. It wasn't until years later that I realized the story of The Giving Tree was that of me and my parents. And after my dad died a few years ago it's now just me and Mom (my siblings live their own lives, dispersed across the country).

Mom? She is the Tree.

I can't read this book without crying towards the end, and even now as I type I'm tearing up. How can something so simply told leave one with such heavy and profound emotions?

catch up with me

Listen to it loud.

It's autumn.

I hadn't really been updating this blog for while mostly because nothing interesting has been happening for me since the last time. Things around me, though, move along with their own momentum. Me, I'm still in a kind of limbo.

My close friend and niece K plans to come down from the bay area to visit in a couple weeks. Whether she actually does is uncertain, she lives a rather organic life steeped in certain emotions. My other friend G plans to visit on Halloween weekend. If they both come as planned it will be a much needed break each time from my mom. I practically never get out anymore, primarily out of lack of momentum and thrift.

I don't plan on taking up job hunting again until early next year, when it'll be almost a year since I've been employed and enjoyed a steady income. I only hope I'm still marketable, the longer you don't work the less valuable you're perceived to be. But I'm fairly optimistic. Relying on mom for handouts is taking its toll on me, though it's not too sufferable because I'm pretty much her personal assistant. The free home cooked meals are awesome.

Much of my time lately has been spent watching back to back episodes of Dexter via Netflix. I've been gaming intensively, too. Recently finished Batman: Arkham Asylum, one of the finest games I've ever experienced. Also working on Wet off and on, when I'm in a cheap, filmic, campy mood. But my current fixation is on the upcoming Dragon Age: Origins, Bioware's next epic sized RPG. You know what that means - I'll be "gone" for the next few months.

I'm thinking of joining a gay men's support group again, like I did in Oregon several years ago. There's one that's very close to me, but I need to find out how it works and if the program I'm on can pay for it if there's a charge. It could ignite some kind of a social life for me, something I hadn't had in a long time, at least on a regular basis.

I can't really complain that much. I have good home, a warm bed to sleep in, a full tummy, and the epitome of a selfless, loving, devoted mother. But I'm still in limbo. Again. Not much I can do about certain things, like the dearth in the job market. That one's just a matter of time. My ideal gig would be a good full-time job, a fairly robust social life, and being able to look after Mom. I only hope I don't go crazy waiting things out for it all to come together, whenever that may be.