my niece's birthday present

A recent text message conversation I had with my niece. She just turned 15. I come from a family of charmingly bawdy yet sharply intelligent smart-asses, lots of love going around. I'll be flying to Chicago next week with Nanay to spend the holidays with them.

"Beeyatch! Guess wot ur getting for ur birthday!"

"what am i gettin?!!

"Unh uh! No spoiler! But you better first ask your mom if I should ship it to your house or to her work and she'll bring home to you."

"mum says to wait til you come here. bring it with you."

"That means you'll have to wait longer. HA!"

"I'll give u hint: it's soft, mushy, brown, and flushable."

"eww"

"Just like ur brother."

"Hours and hours of fun!"

"i was just gonna say that"

"eww"

"You can shape it however you want, but wear gloves first. It may stain."

"Are u sure you can wait for it?"

"stop....that's disturbing"

"I can have it at your front door in 3 days!"

"yeah..."

"umm....no thanx"

"It's a fabulous little brown conversation piece! Just put it on the floor and people will immediately start talking!"

"Comes with a free scooper, too."

"lol"

"lol...no thanx"

"Just be careful not to step on it. Otherwise the scraper is sold separately."

"pshh...lol"

"Hey it's a perfectly good scraper! U can also use it on ur brother."

"eww you're giving me chills"

"Keep it away from Chestnut tho. He might do things u know." [Chestnut is her pet chihuahua]

"The brown thing, not the scraper."

"I'm so excited to give it to u!"

"It's 100% organic."

"eww"

"The company that makes it is based in Nebraska - Trans United Rectal Developments, Inc."

"Otherwise more famously known as T.U.R.D., Inc."

"eww"

"Hey what's the deal? Be grateful it's not made in China."

"pshh lol"

"It's made in the good ol' U.S. of A. Simply Sensational! Or as the company likes to put it, made in the U.S. of A.S.S. - catchy, innit?"

"totally catchy...fockin turds"

"You're so gonna love it. Hmmm, I should order me one as well."

"get me an authentic one then...one from the old ages"

"But pay attention to the instructions. It specifies: WARNING! Do not place on table. Has been known to be mistaken for food by clueless parents."

"wtf!? food?"

"It's not edible! Well, maybe it's composed of previously edible parts."

"holy shit"

"Only if the Pope blessed it."

"wtf"

"You are sooo gonna have fun with it!"

"i bet i will"

"Just keep it away from your mom. You know how much she loves putting things in her mouth."

"especially chocolate looking things"

"And don't show it to your dad either. He might wanna cook it."

"eww sick"

"You can let your brother touch it, though. It doesn't have wheels so he's not likely to lick it and make out with it." [her brother loves cars and racing video games]

"true"

"If that happened not even the scraper can help."

"oh em gee....nasty turd taste"

"That's T.U.R.D. - Trans United Rectal Developments, Inc."

"got it"

"Okay I gonna pack it in a big Ziploc bag and bring it to ya."

"Gotta go. Bye!!!"