rejected (part 3)

Hiroshi Sugimoto
Ink Jet Print, 8 x 10", 2006

I discussed this with a close friend of mine via email, which proved to be a kind of closure over it for me.

* Everything that is said is said with love*

Thanks.

Ok how about this have you lost your mind?

LOL! No, I have not lost my mind! Not sure if you've already noticed, but I tend to delve into issues in terms of human nature, far more deeply than most others would dare to venture. I've always been this way, and because of it I have a history of being misunderstood. I can sense more and feel more than most other people. More importantly, I have the courage to do so and the stamina to survive the journey.

That is very nice that you found someone to talk with.

NOT! :-p

What makes you think that he wouldn’t be attracted to you? You are well educated, nice looking and you care about others.

You are quite right (though not sure about the nice looking part, lol). This is an excerpt from his very first 'letter' to me:

Originally Posted by S Friendship is not only OK with me, but the ultimate motive. I have a pretty tough criteria for friendship, and since nearly everyone new (or less new) in my life fails my "test" I am always open for more. Think Midwest "Do unto others" values---not snobbery or meglomania---if you want to understand where I am coming from. Trendy makes me suspicious, and culturally clueless sad for what's missing. Can't win. Maybe I need a Taoist slant?

I can tell you, now that I had met him, that the fact that he was gut honest does not necessarily mean he had questioned the validity of his own criteria. In the end, he seriously really did need a Taoist slant. A huge Taoist slant. His own criteria failed him - it is so draconian that it murders the possibilities for discovering, and learning from, many of the various of colours and textures and experiences of the world. No wonder I sense a quantity of misery in him, whether he is aware of that misery or not.

Ok, this is the next place I have a problem. Why would you even doubt that you might not be good enough for someone’s company?....You should view yourself in a different light. You should ask yourself “Is he good enough for me”?

In this case, I admired him initially for his intelligence and well thought out opinions. I hoped to learn from him. And I certainly didn't know him well enough yet to see that he may have been looking down his nose at me.

I may be considered intelligent myself but that doesn't mean that I should never stop being inquisitive and curious. That may be where he and I diverge. I stay in a state of curiosity and wonderment, and he uses his knowledge as a platform, a soapbox, and quite possibly, as an emotional shield.

Again, back to you are well educated, nice looking and you have a very caring nature; why waste those qualities on someone that would rather cut you down and demean you.

Like I said, I didn't know him well enough. And he never gave me a chance. That he stated he reserved the right not to tell me why hints at something, doesn't it?

On the date he was sizing you up. The look he gave you was a sizing up look, he might think he is smart but really he is dumb a shit. People that size others up (in the manner he did) are insecure about themselves.

I don't think he was so much sizing me up as possibly reacting to my expressions. That's why I wondered if I made him nervous because he was attracted to me, or if it was something else. I think I had proven myself to be an individual of substance and intelligence. That he took the time and effort to write me first based on my profile testifies to that. And yes, I agree, he probably has a level of insecurity in him which he hadn't dealt with yet.

You want someone that cares for you and that loves you for all of you, which means good and bad qualities. He sounds (I stress that b/c I don’t know him) he sounds like he would take your bad qualities and blow them way out of proportion.

;-) Looks like he may already have. But again, I do not know exactly why he cut me off abruptly. He didn't explain.

Here is a scenario for you: The two of you are talking and both of you have varying opinions about something, your discussion turns into an argument and he says well “You’re stupid, your not even capable of independent thinking”. Now ask yourself do you really want to be associated with someone that has that opinion about most people.

I actually did associate with that kind of person - my ex from ten years ago. Except that he was careful to not blurt that insult at me. He knew what I was capable of in retaliation. However, he freely did that to other people.

That is nice that you met a man that you feel you can have that effect on you, but I just feel like no matter what you do it would never be enough for a man like that. I think that he has a large ego and no one would ever be good enough for him, he will always find fault in something.

It's quite possible that I intimidated him. Since he was so keen himself, he may have perceived me as a threat, someone who may best him. Which, of course, would never be my intention. He may have been on guard the entire time, watching for the tiniest thing that would give him a reason - no, an excuse - to cut me off.

I would never say anything that would intentionally hurt you. I just read your thread before I went to bed, (b/c that is a habit of mine), and I was so upset at that post that I tossed and turned all night. I know that you value yourself or you should value yourself higher then what that man was thinking. My interpretation of this post was that he went out with you with good intentions, but the whole time in his mind he was cutting you down. Now that is just my thoughts on it and I could be completely wrong (which I hope I am), he could be a really great guy and he just gave a really bad first impression, but I just got the vibe that he doesn’t have a lot of friends b/c no one will stick buy him b/c he ends up being mean to people.

Well, thank you. But really, it hasn't destroyed me. I've been through worse. Like I stated, it's these kinds of things that trigger me to delve as deeply as I can in their nature. Which may give the appearance that I was totally devastated. I wasn't at all. But I was a bit hurt, disappointed, and confused. But in the end, I think it was ultimately he who has issues that, because he lacks the tools and the balls, he has not confronted. And that is where I'm better than he is. I have the tools and the balls to better myself. And the scars.

Now I still think that you are greatest and I still just love you to pieces, and you are very capable of making your own decisions but please think twice before you go out with him again.

:-) Thanks. And um, no, a second date will never happen. Remember, he was the one who pushed me away.