single male seeks completeness

They are there. It's simply a matter of setting up one's antenna and emitting the proper signals. Seems that's how online singles ads work. I admit, I have several posted. Five to be exact. I had more before but I deleted them, seemed like overkill. They are there - attractive men, beautiful men, successful men, and desperate men. In all shapes, sizes, ages, levels of income, and psychology, at the click of a mouse. And I don't think it so much makes meeting them any easier as it simply offers yet another way of doing so.

But it's no guarantor for a match. If anything it only makes possible such things as breaking the ice and setting up communication, perhaps a face-to-face meeting - coffee dates, phone calls, instant messages. It only facilitates possibilities, if only because other facilitators aren't readily available.

Such is one aspect of my life now. Living with my old Nanay, who is widowed and is most happy only when she can take care of family, it's becoming a juggling act. Even if I can afford to live alone and in the city proper (though it's not at all too inconvenient commuting from South Pasadena into L.A., the train ride is pleasant), I don't want to leave her by herself. That is the main reason for which I'm here. She is a great rarity, motherhood incarnate. She lives only for her husband and her children and grandchildren. Now that her husband is gone I step in and help give her a sense of purpose. Because all that unconditional love from her has to go somewhere, yes? If only more parents - and more people, by extention - could be just like her.

That's the contradiction. I need a balance between trying to fulfill my need for love (someone who'd be the reason I want to get up in the morning, who is the last image in my mind at night before I drift off) and being instrumental to Nanay as a receiver of her unconditional love (God knows I don't deserve it). It shouldn't have to be opposing, there shouldn't be a frisson.