trust undone

I can't believe my mom reads my mail! She just upped and asked me about my student loan, which I'm still struggling to pay off. I had recently arranged for the agency to deduct the monthly installments from my checking account and they sent me a written announcement to officiate it. After reading the letter I slipped it back into the envelope and left it on a stack on the coffee table. She most likely read it while I was at work.

Then today after I got back from an errand I caught her reading another letter I had already opened!

When she announced that she wanted to help me pay the loan, it was like a slap in the face. My own mother, for chrissakes! My friends would never snoop through my things, would they? I practically yelled at her for it and she countered by telling me that I shouldn't leave my mail lying around. I said, "What?! Just because I leave them on the coffee table does not mean you can just pick them up and snoop through them. My god, I trusted you! Do you see me reading your mail?"

She tried to divert things by saying that she just wanted to help me, I shouldn't refuse it. I said, "That's not the principle here and you know it. If I needed your help I would've talked to you about it. Besides, I have no problem paying it off." This morning, by the way, she woke me up by giving me a few hundred dollars and told me to put the money in my account to help pay for the loan. Which made me feel worse.

She said I could read her mail but I said that that's no guarantee of quid pro quo, I shouldn't feel obligated. I added that no, I have no business reading her mail unless she tells me I can, and even then why should I. I could tell she knew I was right, and that she was ashamed. Which made me feel guilty, which made me even more upset at her. Fuck!!

Then she tried to pin me by accusing me of being secretive. I said, "Look, I have my problems like everyone else, and I don't always want you to get involved. I can take care of them on my own, thank you."

I left the house in a huff and came here to cafe across the street to write and get some space. I know it's useless to be upset about it, she really does want to help. It's her only source of happiness, especially in her twilight years. God knows I don't deserve her.

*sigh* That's the Janus face of having a selflessly loving mother. One 'disadvantage' I could easily wish unto people I don't like. How bittersweet of me.