Relationships, love, sex

I'm exploring things like love and intimacy with a good friend online, a wonderful guy who lives in Finland. He's just come out of the closet and is seeing a man who is already taken. So complex, these things. So full of unexplored caverns and hidden dangers. And it's like something fecund with intrigue, you want to jump in knowing there may be nasty things. But the fall feels so good, and you don't feel the rocks scratching your skin and the edges stabbing you deeply until much later, long after the orgasmic pleasures.

Open relationships. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others. For me, it was a decision based out of being naive, my ex was the one who declared it knowing I knew nothing about these things because I had just come out (and had never dated before, men or women). I just assumed that gay couples do this so I went along with it. I didn't know.

It wasn't until years later that the damage worked its way into me. He was sleeping with other people just to get away from me because, in his mind, I had intruded on this new life he made for himself in L.A. Also, I had been in the process of finding out what sex and intimacy means to me, how I myself value it. I guess it was trial and error, and I don't think my ex ever knew what I was going through with that. I couldn't talk to him about it, to him it was just sex. Which pretty much hurt me because I felt I was no different from other people he fucked. But I had to repsect that, even if it tore me up inside.