assessment

So I must be honest. My life as it stands right now is what I would call "noble complacency". I'm comfortable enough. But at the same time I feel I'm not once more being useful and productive and...well, just not living in a way that is concentrically enriching, substantive.

I state 'noble' in that yes, I am there for my mother. She is why I am here, and I am here for her. And yet I feel I'm with her at the expense of sucking the life out of me. I can't really say I'm proud of anything that I've achieved for myself besides being here for Mom and besides the one year stint of volunteering as a docent at the art museum and working with school kids.

My social life....well, I still don't have one. At least, not a consistent one. I don't feel that I have a life. I don't feel I'm growing. I want to work, I want to be out and about. I want experiences, I want to grow from those experiences. And I now cannot stand living where I live because it doesn't allow me to be so mobile. I don't have a car, and I DO NOT WANT A FUCKING CAR. But this place, this part of southern California, punishes me for not having one. It's as if it's telling me, "You are not a car owner, therefore you are nothing."

What's ironic is that I feel if I lived closer to San Francisco I'll have a far better chance at living a more enriching life, even with my mom. I must be there for her because I promised to be. Near S.F. I feel I would have the chance at balancing a life of self-growth and being a good reliable son. In the L.A. area all I feel is the goodness of being a good son. And that is sucking the life from me.